Some may say that I do to many workouts in a week. That may be the case but I have a goal. I am doing it in a healthy way, it’s not a crash diet, it is workouts and healthy eating. It’s learning new things and getting better at them.
I have been Belly dancing for a year and getting better. I am dancing with troupes that have been dancing for years and I am blowing their minds! (and when I say “I” I mean the troupe that I dance with). I have been teaching Zumba for a year and am getting better and learning new things. I am making me better and that is the best thing. Here’s to a great 2012!!!
I’m sitting outside on a warm October morning, drinking yucky coffee listening to the birds as they chirp and fly around me and still….I am not happy. No it’s not the coffee that has me in a dark space. It’s not the huge pile of clothes that still need to be washed, dried, folded and put away, it’s a general, overall blah feeling. I should be happy. It’s Sunday and I don’t have any pressing plans. Other than this blah feeling my health is good, my daughter is getting over some weird coughing thing (that I think has something to do with my husband smoking again) and my husband is off playing golf. What could possibly be wrong there? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I can’t really do anything today. I had plans to get my daughter’s birthday present last night when I went out but that got scratched. Her cough was bad so I wanted to stay in for the night. (I was going to go out but make it an early night, I need me time to you know?), but instead he wanted to go listen to one of the local bands play. What a waste of an hour. It was in the back of the business, not out front like I thought it was going to be. It was louder than it should have been so we stayed out back with a bunch of people who had been there for most of the day and had A LOT to drink. Not really a place for my 5-year-old to be. The upside, there was a fire pit.
So that meant that I was home by 8 with no dinner and hadn’t really eaten since about 3 that afternoon. I was not a happy camper. I wanted to work on my paper; that’s due on Monday by the way; but that was not in the game plan either. For most of the night I was answering questions to things that had nothing to do with me, or that I even knew the answer to! Stop talking to me when I am trying to work. I can’t wait until my computer room is done so I can go in there and work on things without being close enough that they can just talk to me when I am working on my computer.
This morning is more of the same. Oh wait I forgot to add that Halley, my English Pointer, took a dump in the house, in Savie’s room. That is something that she has never done before. I know that she is getting on in years but, dang it she’s only 10 years old. That is to young for a loss of bowel movements. But onto this morning, I knew he wanted to borrow my car for his turn to drive but I was not ready to empty out my car at 6 in the morning. That’s just to darn early. And he doesn’t help. Since he’s not in my car often he doesn’t know what goes where so having him “help” me with any of it just takes that much longer. So pack me up like a mule and away I go. I just on’t know what I am going to do. Maybe a little retail therapy; buying a blanket for Savie’s bed, will make me feel better. I need to stay away from the chocolate and chips and bread because I am starting to feel bloated again. I have to get back on my Atkins kick so I can get rid of this feeling.
Ok, take a deep breath and get on with my day. I have too much to do to just sit here and feel sorry for myself.
“Go ahead and throw money at the vet”
That’s what he said to me when I told him that I wanted to make an appointment for Halley. As many of you know Halley is my other baby, my 10-year-old English Pointer and I love her. This past winter she develop cysts, They are not painful to her as far I can tell, but they are unsightly and something has to be done about them. I recently received some extra money and want to get these things taken care of for her. I want to buy some clothes for me. I want to get the cable turned on. There are so many things that I would like to do but I feel so guilty if I took care of me before trying to take care of her. How can I? Isn’t that morally wrong? Selfish even.
This ethic’s class has brought up a lot of things in my life but right now the main thing that is bothering me is that I want to buy stuff for me, to take care of me for once but then I look at Halley and I can’t. She has lost weight but is still eating. She wants to play and is still active. How can I say that I don’t have the money to pay for her surgery but I can afford to get my hair and nails done, buy a bunch of clothes for me?
I understand that he wants me to save the money for important things, like paying bills at the house but this is my money and that is what I want to do with it. But some might say that this is border line animal abuse. True she is not in pain, but the simple sight of them is painful. His words, when I told him that I was planning to take care of this is “If you want to throw your money at the vet, go ahead”. That is just painful. He might as well have said that he idn’t care about her. I’m hoping that he didn’t mean it the way that it came out but that’s how it came out. My heart hurt so much when he said that. That’s my baby, how can I not take care of her? If taking care of her means that I don’t get the football package this year then so be it. I am not going to let this go on any longer.
A friend of mine asked me a really good question today over lunch. What’s more dangerous, driving while shaving with an electric razor or talking on a cell phone?
I answered…”Where am I driving to?”
I know that sounds like a weird question to ask back to the original but if it was here in town, then I would say that driving here would be dangerous. There are potholes, sharp turns, javelinas, and deer to worry about. You need to have both hands on the steering regardless of where you are but these days most people have a Bluetooth or are synced through their cars. They don’t need to hold their phones to talk on them.
I’ve heard reports that a persons reaction time is slower when they are talking on the phone, about 3 second when they are walking I don’t remember what it is for driving, but for the most case I still think that you can talk on the phone and drive at the same time. I have done it before, especially when I am on a long trip, but I will not answer my phone when it’s a text message. Where do you stand on this one? Is your car a phone free zone? Isn’t that what Oprah has been pushing for awhile?
Today I feel much like my blog, blah. I need to change my blog somehow, the color, the style, something. This is just not helping me today. I need to get dressed, get off the computer, work on the new house and be happy about it. I don’t think all of that is going to happen. Let’s see what we can do, shall we?
While surfing the net this morning before Savie got up (more on that later) I stopped in to see what the twins were up to. Since I hadn’t been there in awhile there were a lot of posts to catch up on and I stopped on this one and it got me thinking.
I have had plenty of bouts of depression myself where I just didn’t want to do anything, go anywhere, to talk to anyone. I kept it to myself and made myself get out and do things. I also had my daughter to take care of. I didn’t go very deep into the darkness of depression. Reading her post, I felt the same way. I didn’t tell anyone just how I felt at the time. I wasn’t ready to admit that I was not in control of my emotions. I wanted to be seen as a strong person. Reading the title I thought, “someone who has had a same feelings!”. I wasn’t disappointed or thought any less of her because she is dealing with this on a daily basis, I think she is still a strong, confident person. It takes a lot to 1)admit that you are depressed 2) do something about it.
Yesterday I was the worst mother I have ever been. I am still beating myself up over it. I was sitting on the floor, restraining my child because I couldn’t think of anything else to do with her. What am I doing? This is not the way I wanted to raise my child and I am sorry that I did it. Please forgive me.