Don’t judge

Don’t judge me. You don’t know what I am going through, nor do you know what I am going through. I know that phrasing gets thrown around a lot but take a minute. Take a minute to think about what you are seeing.

 

I know that you love the picture, that the little girl you see looks adorable. In the same hairstyle that she’s been in since she was 6. Doing the same pose, she did in the last 50 pictures. But what do you see? Do you see the hours that were spent combing and brushing and styling her hair only for her to roll around on her bed after being told not to? No, you don’t. Do you see the cramping and numbing of my hands because of my carpal tunnel and nerve damage in both hands? No, you don’t. Do you see the hours spent unbraiding the braids that have been in for 5 days and getting the lint, knots, and tangles out because she won’t wear her scarf at night? Do you see the 5 different scarves I’ve bought so she has something to put on her hair at night? No, you don’t.

 

 What you see, in those pictures, is a frizzy haired little girl with a cute face. What you see, in all those pictures, is a Mom who doesn’t take care of her hair. That’s what you see. But your judging ways; the words you use, the way you talk to me about it, are hurtful. What you don’t see, what you don’t realize, is that those words that you said……. are the same words I heard for 10 years? That the way you talked to me…. Is something that I’ve heard for years. You’re not telling me anything I haven’t already heard. But it still hurts.

 

Emotional abuse is still abuse. Just because you can’t see the pain you inflict on other people doesn’t mean they aren’t hurt by what you said. When you have to make yourself get out of bed every day, not because your tired or dreading that meeting at work, but when you have to convince yourself that someone, somewhere, would miss you if you didn’t show up. That there is someone out there that is looking to you to brighten their day. What you don’t see is the daily struggle to get out of bed, to eat and plan meals, to go to work. The inner struggle to talk to people in public places when you don’t know a single person. You don’t see that. What you see is a bubbly, happy person who enjoys going out and talking to people, always has a joke or a smile to share. That’s what you see. You see the pretend person, the one that is what society expects to see.

Think about what you saying to people before you say them. That one picture, that one moment in the store that you see, that is not the whole picture.

 

Traveling is crazy!!!!

So, we spent the day in San Francisco for my girl’s birthday. The plan was to go down Lombard Street, take a pic in front of it, then go the Fishermen’s Wharf, and Ghirardelli Square. Well…….. my plan went out the window. But that’s ok because we still had a good time.

We managed to get to Lombard street and Fishermen’s Wharf. That’s it.

New hubby has never been to SF so he didn’t get what the whole hype of Lombard street, he said it was my normal driving anyways, lol. not funny in my opinion but whatever. He’s the one who let me drive so he can’t complain.

But we had to get to Lombard street because the last time I was home I took her there and got a few pic so I need the comparison. Hopefully I can find them and post them later. Then we hit Fishermen’s Wharf. After I found a place to park, which didn’t take as long as I thought it would but that’s a good thing. We walked around, not being touristy since I don’t have the patience to wait around for most of them to move out of my way. We saw a couple of cool places with t-shirts, can’t wait to wear my new one, ate lunch and headed back. I can’t believe how much gas is here compared to back home!!! Rushed to get to the airport and get the car returned only to find out that our flight had been delayed by an hour. So now we are going to sit and wait, hanging out in the airport.

Times, they are a changing

Well hello there. Remember me? No? It’s ok, I barely remember myself.

 

It’s been 3 years since I have had the chance to sit and write anything. and a lot has happened in that time. I was a stay at home to a wonderful little girl, married and living in an ok house in a nice small town. I was just starting to make friends again and starting to come back to the world. But that was then and this is now. Now I am different. And so is the world.

 

Now I am a widow, who will be getting re-married in April 2017. I have a 12 yrs. old now, not quite the little girl we knew. I longer live in a small town, I have moved to the big city (cue the theme song to “The Jefferson’s” ha ha) and I have very few friends here outside of work. Oh, yeah, I’m working again, full time. No more staying home and making cute little projects with my little girl Now it’s a struggle to get her to do the simple things like her chores. But we are not going to get started there. We are just going to focus on the good things right now.

Today is her birthday. Today she turns 12 yrs. old. Thinking back, I remember how I wasn’t expecting to have children at all, I was going to adopt. There are so many kids out there that don’t have a family of their…. but we are getting sidetracked again. Back to my child.

I remember how I was so freaked out about going into labor, that I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to do it and that something bad was going to happen to me. I didn’t want a C-section, I didn’t want an epidural, heck I wasn’t even sure what that was!!! And my anxiety of the whole thing only got worse after talking to my sisters, mom, and aunt!!! But focus on the good.

She is growing up. She is becoming more independent. She is becoming a young lady. She is growing into herself and that is all anyone can ask.

Yes, it is my choice, not yours

Choices. We all have to make them. From the mundane of picking out which shoes to wear with that dress to picking the right school to go to college. Every choice is yours to make and is just that…….yours. YOU picked the shoes the don’t really go with that dress, YOU picked the parking spot that was under a tree with a nest full of birds, YOU made those choices and you have to live with them.

 

My choices are mine. What I  decide to do with my child, my car, my life, is mine. Yes, I am defensive when you question what I do. Do you live my life? Do you deal with my life on a daily basis? No you don’t. That little snippet of my day, that 10 minutes that you saw of me having; in your words, a meltdown, was just that. 10 minutes of my day, 10 minutes of the 1,440 minutes don’t think you know me and how i live or anything about me. You are not a major player in my life.

 

Several times a day I hear people tell me daughter, “oh mommy’s just tired, she didn’t mean that.” or “let’s go do this while mommy calms down”. Please don’t undermine my parenting. Did my tone of voice offend you? Did my telling my daughter, for the fifth time, to stop doing something, make you upset? I’m sorry to hear that but that is my choice to handle the situation that way. I am in no position to judge other people, yes I can have an opinion, but it’s just that. My opinion. I don’t have any say in what you do, how you handle a situation. If you choose to handle a situation in a certain way, that’s your choice, not mine.

 

Remember, Your choices are your choices and mine are mine.

I caught part of a story on CNN. A mother took her autistic son, 2-3yr old, to a hair salon to get his hair cut. They were kicked out by the owner because the child was “out of control” and it was “unfair to her other clients” to have to listen to his crying. They finished the hair cut outside. There is also a post about it on Facebook somewhere.

Now one of their correspondents, I think, was saying that there are dentists offices, hair salons, etc, that have special hours for their special needs patients. That’s great. M’s argument? “Why would you take him to a public place to get a haircut? You know he doesn’t like it so do it at home?” Me? Why do I need to hide my child? There is nothing wrong with him that means he can’t be in public. There are plenty of “normal” children who don’t like haircuts, who freak out at people touching their heads, etc. so what makes an autistic child so different? Autistic children, in whatever degree of autism, need people to understand that yes, they have special needs, but they are still children. They can’t explain everything that is happening to them, they don’t always have the words to define what they are experiencing or are able to understand what they are feeling.

 

To parents of special needs children, I am sending you a HUGE hug today.

I don’t really care for Mother’s Day

Yes, I know that title may have caught some attention. But ti’s the truth, I don’t really like Mother’s Day. Or my birthday, or Valentine’s day. Those days are just not that special to me. They are just making the world, mostly men, feel guilty for not doing something special for us women.

 

Take Valentine’s Day. It was originally a day when a Bishop was beheaded for marrying couples outside of what the lords wanted. And now it’s a day of marriage proposals, elaborate evenings with your significant other, trying to outdo what you did the year before. And why? Because it’s your way of saying “I love you”. Why can’t you do something special on a random day for your spouse? Mother’s Day is a day when you celebrate what a wonder job your mother is doing, for saying “Thank you for everything you do everyday”, to Mom. But for me it, that is not he case.

 

For me it was just another day, true my daughter wanted to make me breakfast and did with the help of her Dad, but I still had to wash the dishes they made, wipe down the counter, wash a load of clothes, and did my Girl Scout duty. Nothing special for me today.

 

I wish all those that were treated to something special the best, to those that make it every day, I wish you love and happiness. I am just a very cynical person and today was not a good day for me.