I realize that Savie & I do a lot of stuff together but there rarely are pictures. Why? Because I am busy BEING WITH my daughter instead of of trying to get the perfect shot, the perfect picture.
It’s nit about that. It’s about enjoying the time I have with her, because she’s not going to be my little girl forever. I won’t Ned pictures to remind myself of the times we had, I’ll have my memories, the things we made, to remember that time by.
Be in the moment, not watching it.
I’m sitting outside on a warm October morning, drinking yucky coffee listening to the birds as they chirp and fly around me and still….I am not happy. No it’s not the coffee that has me in a dark space. It’s not the huge pile of clothes that still need to be washed, dried, folded and put away, it’s a general, overall blah feeling. I should be happy. It’s Sunday and I don’t have any pressing plans. Other than this blah feeling my health is good, my daughter is getting over some weird coughing thing (that I think has something to do with my husband smoking again) and my husband is off playing golf. What could possibly be wrong there? I don’t know.
What I do know is that I can’t really do anything today. I had plans to get my daughter’s birthday present last night when I went out but that got scratched. Her cough was bad so I wanted to stay in for the night. (I was going to go out but make it an early night, I need me time to you know?), but instead he wanted to go listen to one of the local bands play. What a waste of an hour. It was in the back of the business, not out front like I thought it was going to be. It was louder than it should have been so we stayed out back with a bunch of people who had been there for most of the day and had A LOT to drink. Not really a place for my 5-year-old to be. The upside, there was a fire pit.
So that meant that I was home by 8 with no dinner and hadn’t really eaten since about 3 that afternoon. I was not a happy camper. I wanted to work on my paper; that’s due on Monday by the way; but that was not in the game plan either. For most of the night I was answering questions to things that had nothing to do with me, or that I even knew the answer to! Stop talking to me when I am trying to work. I can’t wait until my computer room is done so I can go in there and work on things without being close enough that they can just talk to me when I am working on my computer.
This morning is more of the same. Oh wait I forgot to add that Halley, my English Pointer, took a dump in the house, in Savie’s room. That is something that she has never done before. I know that she is getting on in years but, dang it she’s only 10 years old. That is to young for a loss of bowel movements. But onto this morning, I knew he wanted to borrow my car for his turn to drive but I was not ready to empty out my car at 6 in the morning. That’s just to darn early. And he doesn’t help. Since he’s not in my car often he doesn’t know what goes where so having him “help” me with any of it just takes that much longer. So pack me up like a mule and away I go. I just on’t know what I am going to do. Maybe a little retail therapy; buying a blanket for Savie’s bed, will make me feel better. I need to stay away from the chocolate and chips and bread because I am starting to feel bloated again. I have to get back on my Atkins kick so I can get rid of this feeling.
Ok, take a deep breath and get on with my day. I have too much to do to just sit here and feel sorry for myself.
Yesterday I was the worst mother I have ever been. I am still beating myself up over it. I was sitting on the floor, restraining my child because I couldn’t think of anything else to do with her. What am I doing? This is not the way I wanted to raise my child and I am sorry that I did it. Please forgive me.
It’s Monday night and I am bone tired after a full day back to work. Well not really. But I am tired because I was really into watching my Boise State win their 14th game this season!!!!! In case you didn’t know it I am a HUGE football fan and wanted to go to the game today because they played here in Arizona. It would only have been a 4 hr drive one way, lol. But that’s okay. I got to watch all but the first 5 minutes of it on TV. Next year we are going to a game in Boise where I will get to kiss the blue field.But onto another topic.
The kids were not ready school. Most of them came back to me cranky and tired. I know Savie was not ready because she had a MAJOR meltdown. She’s never been this bad before but she hit and kicked me. I was not happy so I sat on the floor with her and held her arms and crossed my legs so she couldn’t do it again until she was calm. I’m upset because my other kids saw it but she has no one to blame but herself. I just don’t know what to do with her sometimes. SHe is getting out of hand and it has to stop soon. My nerves can’t take it much longer. On the plus side though she keeps telling me she loves me. It’s so cute the way that she says it but that does not erase what she’s done, you know?
I have decided that this summer I will be closed one morning a week so we can go to the pool. Savie and I never got to go together. She went with a friend once, and then a couple times when we were on the road but I would like to see my new body in a bathing suit, you know? I’ve lost plenty of weight so I should be able to get into a newer bathing suit. Am I selfish? Probably but that’s ok. I have a right to do that every now and then.
Well she’s woken up and it’s almost midnight. I need to get to bed. Have a wonderful night everyone.
Today is Blog Action Day and the topic is Climate Change. For me this is a think big act globe issue. Living the desert I see the change everyday. Our monsoon was not what it should have been this year, and last for that matter. I have 4 angel trumpets, which are beautiful when they bloom, and they are in two places at my house. My friend gave them to me, which we rescued from her mother’s place. Last summer they bloomed every couple of days even though they were infested with spider mites. This year, I didn’t get a single one. Until now. The end of summer. It’s not that I didn’t water them or get rid of the spider mites. and grasshoppers. and severe heat. They are just now trying to bloom. This is really late for them to be starting. I am really worried abut them. Does the fact that they are just now blooming mean that they are going to be in for a hard winter? Are we actually going to get snow? What does this have to do with Climate Change you ask? A lot. FOr me anyways.
Savie wanted to walk to school and today was a perfect day. It was warm, sunny and even though I had a lot of stuff, we managed it. The last couple of days we have spent a lot of time outside. This is what I want. I like that we can enjoy the weather and our time but this is something that I also worry about. I dont want to have this on my daughters’ head or my great-great-great-great-grand daughters hit but it looks like it will be. We need to do something. anything. Even if it’s something as small and simple as carpooling, walking to work even for two days a week, can make a difference. All we have to do is do it.
Some days you just know that something is going to go wrong. It never fails, it’s just a matter of time right? Well here’s my “it never fails” moment. Hubby goes out-of-town so very rarely that when he does I am a little freaked out by it. Yeah surprise there, right? It could be something small as finding a scorpion in the shower to something major as javelina’s in the driveway. Well this time it was Savie, she woke up sick. Unfortunately it’s probably swine flu but that can’t be helped at the moment. Savie was in so much pain today that it was hard to get things done. Now I’m not about to drag her all over the place, running errands because I need to but there were a few stops that I needed to make 2 stops. Both of them were for her.
It’s so hard to take her somewhere when she feels like this because everything is dramatic. And she cries. A lot. Which mens that people look at me like I’m the worst person in the world for not trying to comfort my child. If they only knew.
Today was the last day of the Cochise County Fair. We went as a family this year, a first for us. He doesn’t usually go with us so I was shocked when he said that he wanted to go. But back on topic, the county fair. It was fun. This year we went with another family of four and I invited one more to go along with us so we ended up being to families of four and single mom. It was fun. I of course, was running late to leave the house this morning so we got there later than planed. Once we got there and started I almost immediately lost hubby. Now I can laugh about it but it wasn’t that funny when it happened because I had two girls and we were wandering around the livestock, looking at the pigs and cows before moving onto the pygmy goats and lambs.
After eating, which was a little hard for me being on Atkins and all, we moved onto the displays of clothing and art. There were some beautiful pictures on display while I didn’t see a single thing that was crocheted or knitted. There were plenty of things from the kids, local schools and what not, but nothing I saw that was hard to make but that’s just me. Next year I really will enter something in the fair. I wanted to give the kids plenty of time to let their food settle in their stomachs before going on rides, even though they weren’t that wild of rides but you know what I mean. I didnt want to take the chance that someone would get sick. We never made it to rides with the other family. They faded out before we left the stingrays. But my girls hung tough and did their rides and even won a prize each. They had so much fun. We know for next year to go on Saturday, late in the afternoon so it’s a bit cooler and also let them see the lights. I think last year when Savie and I went we left just as it was starting to get dark and we was sad that she didn’t get to see the lights.
I am totally wiped out and have to really focus to write this. I wish that she had crashed sooner but oh well, take what you can get right? I’m hoping that this week will be better for her in school since things haven;t been so great. She has really been acting out and I don’t know what to do. (If anyone has suggestions I’m all ears) But it’s late and I need to get to bed. Have a great week everyone.